Category Archives: Horror

The Return of Pinhead

I need to make a top-five author list at some point. And when I do, Clive Barker will be in it, that’s for damn sure. He writes in a genre I would call lit-horrtasy; basically, he melds horror and fantasy, and does so in a literary way. His prose is elegant even when his context is gruesome. Anyhow, he’s awesome.

And why do I bring this up? Because Barker is about to release the sequel to his seminal novella, The Hellbound Heart. For those who haven’t read this short novel, it served as the basis for one of the best horror franchises ever, Hellraiser. Like all good 80s horror film series (and all good vodka martinis) it went downhill after the first one. Still, I hold that the first Hellraiser was decent, even if Clive disagrees, stating, “It’s really terrible and it’s shockingly bad, and should never have been made.” Well okay then, Clive, don’t hold back. That said, I’m sure we can both agree that the book it was based on was and is still fantastic.

The new sequel, titled The Scarlet Gospels, will star Pinhead (note, he was never called this in the book or the first movie, this was a fan-given title) and another Barker recurring character, investigator of all things preternaturally odd, Harry D’Amour (I haven’t read anything with this character, but I’m sure he’s awesome). Also, Clive has stated unequivocally that this book will lay Pinhead to rest. We’ll see about that–only Clive, his editor (final word count went from 230k to just over 100k), and early-reviewers know for sure.

This Friday the 13th Video Game is going to SUCK

I mean, it just is. Look, I love Friday the 13th. Love it. The end of “Part One” scared the feces out of me when I was a “kid” (ahem, 19). But c’mon, making this seminal horror movie into a video game is a recipe for a turd of a video game (one turd, lots of code, bake for twelve months). I’m talking E.T. bad. Let me explain…

First problem: There’s only one bad guy. Jason. That’s it. Jason doesn’t (and shouldn’t) have henchmen. I guess he could have his mom, I’ll give you that. But who wants to play a video game where you get chased around by a psychopathic mother? People play video games to escape real life, not duplicate it. Yeesh.

Second problem: The movies are ssslllloooowwww, games should not be. And the movies should be. It’s all about the build-up. The only interesting part of the first half of a Jason movie surrounds what horrible fashion the kids who got baked in the bathroom are going to die? Is there going to be a side quest where you have to decide whether or not to have sex with the cute girl down on the dock? ‘Cause if so, I’m going to choose yes, and then I’m going to die a horrible death. Where’s the excitement there?

Third problem: Jason doesn’t speak. This works great in a movie where Jason is a glorified McGuffin behind a hockey mask; a mechanism to kill people in creative ways–but in a video game? I’m not buying it. Then again…

Gawd, I hope they kill this game. I hope this because, if they do make the game, I’ll have to buy it. So, in honor of how much I want them to kill this piece of shite game, I give you all of Jason’s kills over the years.

P.S. — I just found out there was a Friday the 13th video game for the NES from 1989. Jason, I need to play this next time I’m at your mine.

Ghosts, Zombies, and Ben Affleck, oh my!

Some news in honor of Halloween’s penultimate day. First, this cool ghost was snapped at a famous Game of Thrones location in Ireland. I mean, if this doesn’t conclusively lay the whole “are ghosts real” thing to rest, then I don’t know what will.

Now, on the topic of zombies: if you’re like me–and I know you are!–you’ve been wondering for a while when some company will start selling modular, log cabins that are guaranteed safe from a zombie attack. Welp, we’re in luck. For a mere 146k, you can protect your loved ones from the zombacalypse, while playing some X-Box and gardening. This awesome modular cabin comes with important amenities such as an “Arsenal storage unit for weaponry” and an “Upper deck with 360deg vantage point + escape hatch”. Best of all though is the “10 YEAR ANTI ZOMBIE GUARANTEE*” (*assuming you follow the installation instruction to a T, of course). Here’s a nice explanatory vid:

Finally, in what may be the most frightening thing to happen this Halloween’s Eve Eve, I give you Ben Affleck’s wife discussing Ben Affleck’s Batman voice. Oh, god, somebody shoot me now. Look, it’s not like I don’t like Affleck, he’s done some good stuff–I just watched Gone Girl, it was decent, although I wanted to stare at kittens and rainbows the rest of the night to cleanse my wounded soul–but, c’mon, this has the makings of George Clooney’s Batman & Robin. Do I have to remind you how horrid that movie was? DO I!?!?!? Ok, apparently I do. IT WAS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. It was so bad, it went past the “it’s so bad it’s good” level, and cycled all the way back into bad-only levels. Has any other movie done this? In case you don’t remember, here are the top 15 Dumb Batman & Robin movie moments:

And with that, I bid you adieu.

ZMOTD: Shock Waves

(Zombie Movie Of The Day… duh)

Is Shock Waves. While I’ve yet to see this flick, it is now on the top of my charts, thanks in large part to the title of this amazon review, which reads: “Nazis!!! Zombies!!! Nazi Zombies!!! UNDERWATER NAZI ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Also, side note, this movie was sampled in Roger Waters’ (of Pink Floyd fame) rock epic Amused to Death, a solid concept album that sees Marv Albert doing play-by-play over a televised war. Good stuff.

So, yeah, now if I can just find a way to watch this at the same time I play Realm Reborn and write my next novel.

Josh’s take on The Walking Dead (or: how I learned to hate White Trash Zombie Hour).

Let me start by saying how much I enjoy the White Trash Zombie Hour that is otherwise known as The Walking Dead. White Trash Zombie Hour (henceforth WTZH) is about Zombies, and I’m a sucker for Zombies. So much so, I even wrote my own novel about them. So, given the choice between watching a well produced and well acted hour of zombie horror versus any of the other inane reality bullshit that TV spews out these days, well, I’ll take the zombies.

Now, that said, I do have some serious gripes with WTZH. Considering this small group of southern rebels have barely investigated the zombie plague, I’m left to deduce that the more–ahem, let’s just be pretentious and admit that everyone north of the Mason-Dixon line is more intelligent than this lousy crew–intelligent portions of society are getting along just fine, thank you very much. Seriously, what band of zombie survivalists doesn’t try–even in the slightest–to make contact with larger portions of society? I know, in the first season they went to Atlanta and it was totally overrun, but that doesn’t mean the entire world has fallen to shit. After all, if we had to give up on a large metropolis, I’d vote for Atlanta as an early option (after the entirety of Texas had fallen, of course).

All I’m saying is, without further evidence, I’m going to assume the entire west coast is doing great. They found a vaccine to the disease months ago. They rounded up all the corpses west of the Rockies and shot them into space, or burned them in a giant pile up in Canada. And now, to pass the time, people on the internet incessantly browse Google Earth for funny images of small groups of idiots in the south who don’t realize that the rest of the world is back to normal.

And lastly, if the world really is all shitty, why not just find yourself an island? Or how about a prison with better fences? Or how about a stadium? Stadiums would be perfect for the zombie apocalypse: shelter, open air, area for farming. Shit, if the dolts on WTZH had taken over Turner field then every time they killed a zombie they could chant that stupid braves whoaoaoaa chop song. That would raise their spirits for sure.

Anyhow, it’s still a great show and everyone should watch it.

PS — J, sorry about alienating our entire southern readership (all 1 of them).

 

Wishmaster is my new favorite horror franchise

Until this past week, I had never seen a Wishmaster film before. I’m not sure why–I’m a huge fan of the genre–but somehow this gem of a franchise had slipped through my clutches. Anyhow, this is why it’s awesome:

Here’s the premise: an old box that contains a cheap-looking red-ruby finds its way into the hands of some attractive girl. Upon releasing said ruby from box, the “djinn” is released. The “ancient prophecy” then states that the djinn (the Wishmaster) needs to have the person–ahem, *always* an attractive girl–who unlocked him make three wishes. Upon fulfillment of the third wish, the Wishmaster’s and his buddies get to infiltrate earth and exterminate humanity. Pretty logical, really.

The third and fourth films pale in comparison since they replaced Andrew Divoff. The Wishmaster of the third film was terrible. As in boring. However, the third film did have The archangel Michael who saved the day with a spear made of 3/4″ copper plumbing. So it’s not like it’s all bad. Seriously, the archangel Michael saved the day. I’m not making this up.

The fourth film tries to make some sort of statement on disabilities and porn. A Very Special Wishmaster. The lead actress’ boyfriend has been in some sort of accident, and their shared high powered lawyer friend is trying to steal her away. The lawyer friend is that dude that always reminds me of that other dude from that terrible three dudes, a dog, and a pizza restaurant TV show from the 90s, who, incidentally, always reminds me of that shitty comedian that everyone likes to hate but always makes me chuckle when I see his on Comedy Central. But it’s not him, or the other him. Anyhow, the Wishmaster cuts off the lawyers’ face and takes him over so that he can get close to the chick who found the ruby, so that he can grant her three wishes and fulfill the prophecy. WHOA! I almost gave up a serious spoiler, I best stop now before I get too far ahead of myself.

Yeah, so, Wishmaster. It’s awesome. Watch it. And don’t say I never did anything for you.