This Friday the 13th Video Game is going to SUCK

I mean, it just is. Look, I love Friday the 13th. Love it. The end of “Part One” scared the feces out of me when I was a “kid” (ahem, 19). But c’mon, making this seminal horror movie into a video game is a recipe for a turd of a video game (one turd, lots of code, bake for twelve months). I’m talking E.T. bad. Let me explain…

First problem: There’s only one bad guy. Jason. That’s it. Jason doesn’t (and shouldn’t) have henchmen. I guess he could have his mom, I’ll give you that. But who wants to play a video game where you get chased around by a psychopathic mother? People play video games to escape real life, not duplicate it. Yeesh.

Second problem: The movies are ssslllloooowwww, games should not be. And the movies should be. It’s all about the build-up. The only interesting part of the first half of a Jason movie surrounds what horrible fashion the kids who got baked in the bathroom are going to die? Is there going to be a side quest where you have to decide whether or not to have sex with the cute girl down on the dock? ‘Cause if so, I’m going to choose yes, and then I’m going to die a horrible death. Where’s the excitement there?

Third problem: Jason doesn’t speak. This works great in a movie where Jason is a glorified McGuffin behind a hockey mask; a mechanism to kill people in creative ways–but in a video game? I’m not buying it. Then again…

Gawd, I hope they kill this game. I hope this because, if they do make the game, I’ll have to buy it. So, in honor of how much I want them to kill this piece of shite game, I give you all of Jason’s kills over the years.

P.S. — I just found out there was a Friday the 13th video game for the NES from 1989. Jason, I need to play this next time I’m at your mine.

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